Girls and (cringe) farts

Let’s start with the title. Cringe is the operative word. I’d bet at least one out of three XX’s cringe at the word “fart.” Maybe more like two out of three. Maybe some of you are even thinking, “Oh XX, do you have to talk about THIS?”

Illustration: Nok Sangdee

That’s because girls don’t do that.  Or do we…?

I’m on a plane, sitting across from an XY watching Bridesmaids on his computer. He is laughing in all of the right places. If you have read previous posts, you already know I’m a Bridesmaids fan. So as I surreptitiously watch him watch the bridal party churrascaria lunch and aftermath, it got me wondering: how different would those scenes be with guys?

Let’s try it.

OPEN ON A BUNCH OF GUYS EATING AT A SKETCHY CHURRASCARIA AND DISUSSING A BACHELOR PARTY.

GUY 1: “Meat!”

GUY 2: “Meat!”

GUY 3: “More meat!”

ALL:     “Yeah!”

ONE GUY DOESN’T WANT TO EAT THE MEAT. THE OTHERS AGREE TO LET HIM OFF THE HOOK IF HE DOES FOUR TEQUILA SHOTS.  ALL GUYS JOIN IN AND DO TEQUILA SHOTS WITH HIM. WHEN GUY ONE GOES TO THE BATHROOM, THE REST DISCUSS THE THEME FOR THE BACHELOR PARTY.

GUY 2:  “Vegas?”

ALL:      “ Vegas!”

Next stop: Vegas

CUT TO THE SAME GUYS IN FRONT OF A MEN’S  WEARHOUSE. THE DOOR IS LOCKED. ONE GUY FARTS. THE OTHERS LAUGH. THEY GIVE UP IN LESS THAN 30 SECONDS AND GO BACK TO THE CHURRASCARIA BAR. ALL ARE FARTING AND BELCHING ALONG THE WAY.

CUT BACK TO SKETCHY CHURRASCARIA. THE GUYS HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE WEDDING FASHIONS AND DRINK MORE. THEY HAVE A BELCHING CONTEST AND THEN A FARTING CONTEST. OTHER PATRONS LEAVE THE BAR AREA. SUDDENLY ONE GUY LOSES IT IN HIS PANTS. THEY ALL LAUGH. ANOTHER GUY BARELY MAKES IT TO A TRASH CAN. THE GUY WHO DIDN’T EAT THE MEAT HAS PASSED OUT ON THE BAR. THE WAITER SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY AND WALKS AWAY.

It could probably be funny in an I hope they serve beer in Hell kind of way. (More to come on that excellent peek into one twisted XY’s world in the future.) But in contrast (to me) it’s the embarrassment/mortification factor that sends the Bridesmaids version into Hollywood classic land.  Of course I’m sure someone could make the XY version lot funnier but my point is, there’s a different code in place.  In Bridesmaids, I thought the most horrifying moment was when one bridesmaid projectile vomited on the back of another bridesmaids’ head as the latter heaved helplessly into the toilet. Imagine someone else’s vomit in your hair. I can. That’s viscerally XX in my humble opinion. But the sink is truly epic. Why? I think in large part it’s the dialogue. Rita: “No Megan, No!”  Megan: “Look away, just look away” totally nails the XX fear of another XX seeing her Make Stinky.  Add the fact that she is forced to use an inappropriate toilet substitute and the scene becomes a perfect 11.

All hail the mighty This is Spinal Tap reference

 It’s an unspeakable horror surpassed only if an (attractive) XY had been in the room to witness as well. Or maybe not. The scene is flawless and will go down in history, mark my words.

Yes, XX’s fart. Pass gas. Break wind. (Insert other lower gastric descriptor noise of choice here.)  But have no doubt: we’ll spend every waking moment trying to convince you that we don’t.  It’s what we do.

Or rather, don’t do.