Let’s start with the title. Cringe is the operative word. I’d
bet at least one out of three XX’s cringe at the word “fart.” Maybe more like two
out of three. Maybe some of you are even thinking, “Oh XX, do you have to talk
about THIS?”
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| Illustration: Nok Sangdee |
That’s because girls don’t do that. Or do we…?
I’m on a plane, sitting across from an XY watching Bridesmaids on his computer. He is
laughing in all of the right places. If you have read previous posts, you
already know I’m a Bridesmaids fan. So
as I surreptitiously watch him watch the bridal party churrascaria lunch and
aftermath, it got me wondering: how different would those scenes be with guys?
Let’s try it.
OPEN ON A BUNCH OF GUYS EATING AT A SKETCHY CHURRASCARIA AND
DISUSSING A BACHELOR PARTY.
GUY 1: “Meat!”
GUY 2: “Meat!”
GUY 3: “More meat!”
ALL: “Yeah!”
ONE GUY DOESN’T WANT TO EAT THE MEAT. THE OTHERS AGREE TO
LET HIM OFF THE HOOK IF HE DOES FOUR TEQUILA SHOTS. ALL GUYS JOIN IN AND DO TEQUILA SHOTS WITH
HIM. WHEN GUY ONE GOES TO THE BATHROOM, THE REST DISCUSS THE THEME FOR THE
BACHELOR PARTY.
GUY 2: “Vegas?”
ALL: “ Vegas!”
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| Next stop: Vegas |
CUT TO THE SAME GUYS IN FRONT OF A MEN’S WEARHOUSE. THE DOOR
IS LOCKED. ONE GUY FARTS. THE OTHERS LAUGH. THEY GIVE UP IN LESS THAN 30
SECONDS AND GO BACK TO THE CHURRASCARIA BAR. ALL ARE FARTING AND BELCHING ALONG
THE WAY.
CUT BACK TO SKETCHY CHURRASCARIA. THE GUYS HAVE FORGOTTEN
ABOUT THE WEDDING FASHIONS AND DRINK MORE. THEY HAVE A BELCHING CONTEST AND
THEN A FARTING CONTEST. OTHER PATRONS LEAVE THE BAR AREA. SUDDENLY ONE GUY
LOSES IT IN HIS PANTS. THEY ALL LAUGH. ANOTHER GUY BARELY MAKES IT TO A TRASH
CAN. THE GUY WHO DIDN’T EAT THE MEAT HAS PASSED OUT ON THE BAR. THE WAITER
SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY AND WALKS AWAY.
It could probably be funny in an I hope they serve beer in Hell kind of way. (More to come on that
excellent peek into one twisted XY’s world in the future.) But in contrast (to me)
it’s the embarrassment/mortification factor that sends the Bridesmaids version into Hollywood classic land. Of course I’m sure someone could make the XY
version lot funnier but my point is, there’s a different code in place. In Bridesmaids,
I thought the most horrifying moment was when one bridesmaid projectile vomited
on the back of another bridesmaids’ head as the latter heaved helplessly into
the toilet. Imagine someone else’s vomit in your hair. I can. That’s viscerally
XX in my humble opinion. But the sink is truly epic. Why? I think in large part
it’s the dialogue. Rita: “No Megan, No!” Megan: “Look away, just look away” totally
nails the XX fear of another XX seeing her Make Stinky. Add the fact that she is forced to use an
inappropriate toilet substitute and the scene becomes a perfect 11.
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| All hail the mighty This is Spinal Tap reference |
Yes, XX’s fart. Pass gas. Break wind. (Insert other lower
gastric descriptor noise of choice here.)
But have no doubt: we’ll spend every waking moment trying to convince you
that we don’t. It’s what we do.
Or rather, don’t do.
